The idea of where you were made stems from the concept of family. Whether you love or hate your family is no concern in this blog because the purpose is to take a trip down memory lane and look at the early years of your life. We grow up so fast and often forget about all the good times we had as youths. There may have been rough/dark times in the past, but they help make you who you are today. People are quick to play the victim card in life, and that is what I coach people to avoid. I help people realize where they have come from and where they can end up. In this week’s blog, I will speak about upbringing and how it determines how you are made for the life you have.

There are many facets to the family dynamic. We have our parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc., as the family, we will grow up with. If you did not have or do not have any of these family groups, then you have your caretakers and friends/acquaintances. We, as the human race, rely on other people to get by in society. If you think that is not the case, think back to the last time you ate food. Did you plant the seeds or raise the livestock you ate? For many, the answer is no. Most people go out to get fast food or go grocery shopping and exchange money for goods. As you can see, we need people in our life. The thing about family is that you can’t choose them. However,  you can limit who has a seat at your table.

When speaking about family, it is not all rainbows and sunshine. There are many toxic families out there. On the other side, there are many good ones too. If you didn’t have a good family growing up, then you can make sure a good family comes from you. Contrary to the belief, who you consider as a family doesn’t have to be related by blood. The family you want to create should be a reflection of how you want your life to be. For me, I want a family who is supportive and will not hold me back. If they are unable to do that for me, then I will not associate with them. This is not me being cruel or ungrateful, it is me understanding what I will/won’t allow in my life. I am grateful to have had the family I had growing up. Though times were not all good, I was raised to believe in a better tomorrow. I think being both stubborn and an optimist gave me the belief that my future would be better than my present.

Growing up, I would say I had a good childhood. Though I was a sickly boy at times and caused more headaches than I am proud to say, I am glad that I had the family support system I did. I was just joking with my mother the other day about how we grew up with no heat or power in the house and how it made me better prepared for life. Though this is not the roughest example of my childhood, it represents an understanding of the differences we have today. If a child did not have food, water, or shelter, then CPS would be knocking on the door. I have learned that things will not always go your way, so you have to make the best out of what you have. Each challenge in life has the opportunity to assist in transforming you into a better person.

Taking a look at where you are made should happen in the first seven years of your life. I have written about how the first seven years of a person’s life are a critical factor in how they will end up as adults. Our mind develops in stages, and it is important to understand that when looking back at the early years of life. One of the greatest lessons learned at that age is kindness. There you learn how to treat all living things in the world. To be gentle and thankful for acts of kindness. To give an example of this, the other day, I was going into the gym, and a little girl was walking out with her parents. I held the door open for her and her parents, and the girl told me, “Thank you!”. I was going to tell mom and dad what a great job they were doing with raising their child. I stopped myself and instead gave the girl the biggest “You’re very welcome!” I could.

We cannot talk about family without talking about parents. The majority of parents have the best intentions for their children. They are quick to give their children the life they never had growing up. However, how will that serve the child if they shelter them from all the bad in the world? I believe that is the start of a generational handicap that we are unknowingly bestowing onto our children. Parents are raising children who cannot self-loathe, isolate right from wrong, learn to stand up for themselves, and have a basic understanding of common sense. I understand technology has taken a new role in the way our youth learn. However, the children that I saw in the schools while I was teaching were more stressed than I ever was as a child. There have been scientific studies that show how harmful stress can be on the body. To have a person stressed in the most developmental growth stage of their life seems to be the opposite of what we should be aiming for.

I began to wonder when I saw those students in the school how all this new stress added to them would help them be better. I could not come up with an answer. We took away parenting and placed television and iPads to do the job. We tied the hands of teachers to do the job they dreamed of and replaced teachings with assessments. I was not a good tester as a child (you can ask my mother). Nonetheless, I did not allow those tests to define who I was or what I was capable of accomplishing. I had more to give than any test I would tell my teachers/parents. Fast forward to my college years and my graduating with honors was no accident. I knew I had more to give, but what about the children who do not believe in better?

If you continue to look at your younger years, you should be able to separate your pre-teen years (7-12), teen years (13-19), and early adulthood years (20-28). Though the times your attitude, hormones, or mindset changed will be slightly different than these years, it still represents the normal human development we go through. I remember, as a kid wanting to be an adult, but I had no idea what it was to be an adult. I did not know all the responsibilities I would have to take care of as a man. I had to learn through experience.

The same can be true for the teen and early adulthood years. I have seen many people who think they know it all (I believe I was one of them too). We, as a society, climb the ladder to adulthood and are experts suddenly at life. I learned that to be another wrong way of thinking and had to learn a new way of thinking that would get me the life I was after. I had to let go of being a know-it-all and be a forever student. I had to embrace learning and failure as a way towards growth instead of it being something I saw as a weakness. During those years of living and learning, I learned that it does not happen alone. The family/environment in which you learn and grow will be your foundation in life. Sadly, most of the foundations children create will need to be repaired at some point in their life. How you grow up will play a critical role in your future self.

Over the years, I have found that becoming a better version of myself involved how I was made. I looked at my parents, grandparents, sibling, friends, etc. I weighed out the good and bad and chose the good. If any of these groups did something that I did not like or was against, I was able to build my character upon that new knowledge. Instead of me repeating what they did and getting the results they had, I chose to avoid their pitfalls and create something new and better for myself. The problem with trying something new without experience will lead to many failures and lessons learned. Though the path I took was more treacherous, it would lead me to a life I can be proud of.

Your family or the people you keep close by you should have a specific role associated with them. If you have good-for-nothing parents, then perhaps their label should be a distant relative. That is where you remain related but keep them at a distance. The same can be true about your friends. They are not your friends, but rather they are your acquaintances. I am not afraid to cut people out of my life, and neither should you. If they are toxic and causing you more harm than good, then you have to let them know with your words or with your silence. If they want to be in your life after that, then it is their role to do so. You should not chase after people who do not have any stake in your life. What makes you who you are will be the people you surround yourself with. Remember, you want people who will add more goodness to your life, not take it away.

Though growing up has its ups and downs, there can be many lessons learned from the past. If you take a look back and realize that you had a rough childhood, but are doing great, then take some time to understand how that is so. The same can be true if you had a great childhood and now you have an adult life that you are not proud of. Happiness has always been a mindset that is dependent on you. It just so happens that when we are young, other people do things that make us happy in a sense. You have to understand that they were not trying to make you happy. They were trying to give you what they saw you were worth. Try to remember your worth, and your whole life can change.

In closing, the life you grew up living is where you were made. You might have had a difficult childhood, but remember that diamonds form under pressure. We were all meant to be more than you were yesterday. We have to stop the pattern of negative thinking and habits from halting any progress toward the life we seek. Taking a look back at where you were and where you are is different than looking at where you are and where you want to be. The difference is in the accomplishment. The work has already been done, and that belief of “I already did it” is stronger than “I have to do it.” Your dreams should make you want to push forward, and your past should serve as a testimony that you can accomplish great things in your life.

Until then,

Michael Rearden

CEO of Reven LLC.