If there were one thing I would give to all my new clients, it would be the ability to be more confident in themselves. Giving them confidence would expedite the coaching process immensely. It would provide them with the ability to go after their goals, dreams, and happiness more readily. The confidence gap that people tend to have in their life stems from the idea of fear. Whether that be the fear of failure or the fear of the unknown is all the same. How can a person get beyond their shortcomings and instead insert confidence in all they do? In this month’s T-U-S, I will be sharing how you can become more confident.

1. Understanding what Confidence is

2. Actions of Confidence

3. Being Confident

4. The Confidence Myth

Understanding what Confidence Is

Having an understanding of confidence is the first step towards being more confident in yourself. Confidence has many meanings I would like to discuss today. The different definitions will act as a set point to how you look at confidence. If your purpose or idea of confidence is not here, just keep that definition in your mind and see if it relates to any of these definitions.

1.  The feeling of certainty.

2. The act of trust or reliance.

3. The act of being brave.

Taking a look at the first definition of confidence is the feeling of certainty. That feeling may or not be wrong, but to you, it should be 100%. If it is not 100%, then it is not certain for you. I think many people get stuck on this part when trying to be more confident. Just because they feel sure about an outcome does not ensure things pan out the way they believed. These feelings do two things to the person. The first is that person can spiral into depression because they thought “yes” and received a “no.” The second is that they will start to doubt themselves in the future. Dealing with this type of failure will shy people away from trying again. Though they may be disappointed that they failed, it is up to them what they think after the initial loss.

The second definition is the act of trust or reliance on yourself/another. For example, you might be confident in your CEO to land the big deal that will create an abundance of wealth for the entire company. Another example would be that you feel confident that you can make a home-cooked meal without burning the house down. I know that not everyone works for a big company or is not a trained chef, but I am sure you can do something with confidence. That feeling of certainty that comes with doing a job you know you can do with no issues is confidence. When I started teaching/coaching, initially, I was timid in the role. I was unsure about my abilities, but through time/experience, I became acclimated to my career. Now, I can go into any classroom and speak/teach freely. Though I might have a tint of nervousness in my body is of no concern because that is the normal tendency of the brain.

The last definition is the act of being brave. We see this type of confidence in superheroes and dominant personalities. Take a look at a superhero. For our example, we often see them countless times in the face of danger. We don’t know what they are feeling, but I am sure one of those feelings is confidence. That is why many young children want to have careers like the heroes they admire. Those heroes to them will be police, doctors/nurses, firefighters, mom/dad, etc. Those children want to be just like the people who they believe are brave and unstoppable. Fast forward to people who adults want to be. Men want to be the cool, suave, and mysterious type like James Bond. A woman might want to be like a model or celebrity they admire. We admire these types of personalities because it is a life we would like to be living.

The Actions of Confidence

The actions of confidence can range from your lifestyle to the way you present yourself to the world. When you see a movie star on the red carpet, they typically will be wearing exquisite attire and downing a cloak of confidence while they do it. Though they might be a total wreck in their head, what they show is someone stunning and confident as they walk down that red carpet. The actions of confidence start with each step forward. It has nothing to do with your mind yet because confidence takes time. People think they should feel confident first before they begin to act it. However, it is the opposite. You should do the acts of confidence first, then start to feel confident later.

The confidence that your lifestyle brings comes from what you have on the outside. If you have a big house or a new model vehicle, then you have a lifestyle that resembles confidence. Though having fancy clothes and fast cars do not make you any more confident, it serves as a talking point to give you more confidence. For example, if you have a new car and everyone at work is jealous of you, then you have a sense of pride and confidence that the new car has provided you. This type of confidence is always fleeting, and it causes materialism and living beyond one’s means. I tend to stay away from this type of confidence trap because I have no desire to try and impress anyone.

The clothes I wear and the car I drive do not make me any better or more confident. Though I might get a slight increase in confidence when dressed in a suit and tie, it is not necessary for me to feel confident. This is the problem I see many people face. They misinterpret the actions of being secure and hope an item can do the job. That is why girls wear waist trainers and put on layers of make-up. Though it gives them more confidence and security, it also reinforces a stigma that to look and feel amazing, they must look a certain way.

It is one thing to want to look beautiful, and then there is another understanding that you are already beautiful. I recall when singer Alicia Keys decided not to wear make-up anymore. The gossip tabloids were in a whirlwind of emotions on her decision. They failed to see from the start that she did not need any makeup to be beautiful. She was already beautiful and confident in who she was and didn’t need to cover it up. That leads to the question, what actions genuinely make a person feel/act confident?

The actions that make a person genuinely confident are in every step they take forward. The actions of confidence are not those that can be replicated by looking at the wealthy of the world. What separates many people from achieving success in their lives is not the ability to be confident but rather to maintain a consistent routine. That routine should be the sum of all the right actions. If you want to be a better writer, then you must write more. If you’re going to be a better speaker, then you must speak more, etc. Doing what you lack confidence in will help you reach the state of being confident in that area.

What are some actions that you do each day that you are 100% confident in? Are you confident that you can walk to the refrigerator? Are you confident that you can put on some clothes? Are you confident that you can drive to work and do a good job? For most of us, the answer will be, “Yes, I do feel confident in doing those things.” The next thing that comes to mind will probably be, “But…”.  Being confident in yourself shouldn’t be a thing you are shy about. It also doesn’t need to be balanced out with what you are not confident in. So simply walking towards your goals and aspirations is the starting point to becoming more confident.

Being Confident

So at this point, you want to know the clean-cut way to be more confident in your days. Things that will give you the quickest confidence boost include working out, learning and applying skills, looking physically good to yourself, and getting praise/acknowledgment from others. If you did all those things today, would you be any more confident in a week? Through my work, I have found that many people tend to give an answer based on contingency. They do not feel confident yet because they do not have enough, do not know how, or are not ready yet. The act of being confident is a mindset that has little to do with the excuses we give ourselves as to why we are not confident yet.

The feeling of confidence can also be a way you train your mind to be. That is because even though you may feel confident, nervousness can/will show itself to you in any new environment or scenario.  For example, when I have to speak in front of people or if I want to talk with a stranger out in public, I might feel a bit nervous. That nervousness is my brain at work, but it does not determine the amount of confidence I have. The confidence I exude when doing something that may scare someone else is just typical behavior for me. I have trained and experienced many situations that have given me the needed confidence. A great example is when a firefighter rushes into a home to save a family they do now know. What makes them so brave, confident, and caring? I found that these people tend to have a high standard of morals and values they live by, which gives them courage when the average person would be feeling fear.

The standard that a person chooses to live in will determine how much confidence they need to have. Let us first take a look at the different types of personalities that exude confidence. The example I like to use to explain this most often is the hotty at the bar. A guy might have no problem going up to a girl in the bar and striking up a conversation. The same is true for women who see other females as being “better” than they are. Whether it is because of the outfit or body type, there is some yearning to be confident enough to wear what she is wearing. Regardless of these people’s efforts to appear more confident, confidence cannot be replicated by mimicking another person.

Just like you can get up and walk/crawl/roll to the refrigerator when you are hungry, you can too be confident in your movement forward. When I was in college, I learned how to walk into a place as if I owned it. Though I did not own any of the sites I walked into, my mindset evolved about creating a domain wherever I was. That domain type of thinking was straightforward, “where I stood, I was good.” Having this type of attitude did not only make me appear and feel more confident.  It also helped me solidify my expectations for myself. I did not need to be home to feel safe/secure. Wherever I was, I would be alright.

Imagine if a random stranger was in your house. Would you tell them to get out and threaten to call the police, or would you allow them to stay? I do not know many people who would simply allow a random person in their house and not say anything to them. We have to be brave enough to tell them that they do not belong there and need to leave. We all have that type of power to speak and act on our truths. The truth right now is that you have all the ability to be more confident starting today. All you have to do is believe in yourself and remain steadfast towards a better becoming.

The Myth of Confidence

The myth of confidence is that people believe that to be confident, they must feel confident first. That thinking is wrong and should be turned around. You should do the actions of confidence first and then worry about feeling confident later. For example, the first time you ride a bike, you are not confident and will fall over several times. Most people who are learning how to ride a bike do not simply quit because they failed to ride on the first few attempts. Why can’t we have this type of mindset in our daily lives? Fast-forward a month, and now you are riding while standing up with no hands.

Thinking about riding with no hands would seem crazy to someone who was just starting to learn how to ride a bike. Even if you began to know how to ride a bike with no hands confidently, there would be some resistance to getting there. Often when people are faced with a challenge, they quit. They tell their brain it cannot be done and leave it at that. Well, in order to gain confidence, we have to be willing to put in the work and not give up.

The other myth people think about confidence is that it is easier for some people. The truth is that they had to go through trials and hardships to get to the point they were at. Anyone you see achieving a high level has made sacrifices and put in hours of work to perfect it. Confidence is not some quick fix to all your problems in life. Being confident can have more pros than cons when dealing with relationships and careers, but it is not about confidence alone.

The reason why people are confident is that they know what they want and go after it. When was the last time you went after something you wanted that scared you? The person at the bar or the job promotion at work? Whatever it was, if you went into it with the mindset that you wouldn’t get it, then that would be the result 90% of the time. You need to know your worth because if you do not know it, how can other people know it?

Gaining confidence is done through repetition, not wishing. It is through action, repeating the process, and gaining skills that confidence is acquired. You have to be ok with being a beginner when trying new things or things you might not be talented at. Bruce Lee said, “I do not fear the man who knows 10,000 kicks. I fear the man who practiced one kick 10,000 times”. This quote shows you that though someone may be confident in what they have accomplished, it can be trumped by what someone has perfected.

We often compare ourselves with someone else and say how we cannot do it like them. Though there is some truth behind that, there is also another truth that many people fail to see. You cannot do it like them because they cannot do it like you. I think that people forget that they are their unique person sometimes. People feel that if they can’t do it like the other person, they are inadequate and should not even try. Confidence is not about mimicking another person or faking it till you make it; it is about having faith in your abilities.

I cannot tell you how many times I had to walk up to strangers or stand in front of the classroom, and I did not feel confident. Though I had faith in my ability, there was still that lingering feeling of self-doubt in my mind. Fortunately for me, those self-defeating thoughts were only recommendations that my subconscious mind allowed me to choose. Inside I was a mess of emotions, but I knew what I was capable of. I recall back to my teaching days when I would walk into each classroom knowing I would “handle my business.” That type of thinking alone was one of the main reasons why I was such an effective educator. I was not worried about what would go wrong or if I wasn’t good enough. My only mindset was that I would be able to handle whatever was thrown at me.

In conclusion, becoming more confident is an accumulation of actions that result in the feeling of confidence. Whatever steps you are taking consistently will eventually become feelings of confidence. This is how many people get over the fear of talking in front of crowds. They do it enough and eventually reach a point where it is just a regular day for them. Confidence begins with the action of doing, not feeling. So if there is an area you want to be more confident in, then the most important thing you can do is start to take action and work on it. Let your experience and learning be the road to not only looking confident but feeling it too.

Until then,

Michael Rearden

CEO of Reven LLC.