Do you ever feel like punching a wall or someone’s face? Perhaps you just want to yell or cry at the top of your lungs? I am here to tell you that you are not alone in this way of thinking. Anger is one of our most substantial feelings, and it can be challenging to navigate through. What I find most people do is ruminate on their vexation until the point of breakdown. Now, there are many ways you can help subside fits of anger, whether they be directed at you or external stimuli. In this month’s T-U-S, I will be providing a guide to navigate and relinquish any anger that does not serve you.

Anger Management Guide 

1. Identify what you are angry at

2. Identify why you are angry, your reason

3. Is this a valid reason to be angry

4. Can you let it go yes/no

5. How to let it go

6. How do you want to feel

Last week we spoke about one of the primary three emotions, happiness. Today I will touch base on anger/hate. I find that people have one emotion that is stronger than another. That means this emotion is front and center more than the other significant emotions. Regardless of what your primary emotion is, you can learn to control it. Even if anger is your dominant emotion, you can put a leash on it and have it heed your commands. The phrases “crazy blind in love” or “In the heat of furry” might be sayings you have heard or are familiar with. These phrases give off the perception that sometimes, we are not able to be in control of our emotions. I am here to tell you that these sayings are false.

Today, we will learn how to control one of the most negative emotions we can have, anger. In the future, I will talk about managing love, but one step at a time. If you have been a part of the community for some time, you will know that anger is a secondary emotion. Another feeling, typically sadness, usually follows anger. Regardless of that factor, emotions, in general, last about 90 seconds. They can last longer if you keep your focus on them, but feelings do not remain forefront long. That means if you have an emotion that you cannot seem to shake, you are the reason. If your mindset is accustomed to identifying as a victim, controlling your feelings will be more challenging.

1: Identity what you are angry at

There have been moments when I felt angry, and my anger did not have any focus. I have also experienced pinpointed anger, where I knew what made me angry. Regardless of whether I knew or didn’t know where my anger was directed, I knew that I wanted to destroy something. Perhaps not physically destroyed, but with my anger unabated, I needed an outlet to release it from within myself. I have found through my journey that wanting to cause intentional harm brings about despair, which is greater than any anger I could feel. Knowing that helped me begin the process to start to identify what I was angry at. Once I could identify what made me angry, I could go through a series of questions that would help de-escalate my anger.

2: The reason for your anger

In this area, you want to identify why you are angry. Is the reason for your anger validated? Was it something you thought through or let happen passively? An example of this would be road rage when someone cuts you off. If you become mad that they cut you off, who is to blame? Whether you answer theirs or yours is similar to seeing the glass as half full or half empty. Now, I know it is dangerous and annoying to drive recklessly, but you can let it go in most situations because being upset will bring no benefit when on the road. No good will come from your anger in that situation, so it would be best to feel it and let it go.

An example of anger validated is if someone took a baseball bat to your car, and you’re angry with them for their actions. Now, in this case, if you retaliate, the situation will only escalate. The point is there is anger that can be controlled easily and anger that is appropriate. Punching someone or destroying someone’s car is not an appropriate method to resolve your anger. Even though it happens, there are other methods to show anger that have less of a negative effect every day.

3: Is it a valid reason to be angry

The two examples I used of road rage and destruction are common ways to exemplify anger. In both cases, you have the right to be angry, but I could make the argument that in both cases, you can see the other side and let the anger bypass you in total. For example, if someone cuts you off, instead of cursing them out, simply say, “They must be late for work.” Merely applying a reason for them will help your mind refrain from an angry response. This does not mean their action is safe or correct, but it is no reason to affect your day. You are responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

In the more extreme case where they are destroying your car and anger is valid, you have to choose to respond or ignore them. Yes, this is a valid reason to be angry, but what do you get if you let anger take over? What do you get if you do not allow anger to take over? These are two different outcomes, and they will require you to weigh the pros/cons. If your life is in danger, let anger take over, no doubt. If it is not, then just think about that new car you were looking at and how they will pay for it. You just have to ask yourself, “Where will I be in the future if I hold or act upon this anger?”. If you don’t receive any benefits for remaining angry, then let it go.

4: Can you let the anger go

Depending on the situation and your mental fortitude will determine if you will be able to let the anger go. Even though I the years of training and studying meditation and mindset, there are times when I let anger sit longer than it should. I know I can let it go, but sometimes I want to feel the anger. Though the anger is on a short leash, meaning I do not release it on others, I am fully aware that this anger will always hurt the bearer more than the receiver.

Regardless, I choose to remain in anger longer than what I teach people to stay in because anger is my most powerful emotion. Now, just because anger is my primary emotion doesn’t mean I go around punching people and belittling people for what they haven’t accomplished. I have learned how to harness anger and use it to my benefit. I tell people if they can let the anger go, do so because anger can be a double-edged sword if not used correctly.

5: How to let the anger go

Knowing how to manage your anger is the key to being able to control it. Like I said earlier, if any emotion lingers longer than 90 seconds, then it is your mind that is keeping that emotion there. This goes for any feelings, but especially anger. Since anger is one of those emotions that doesn’t necessarily feel good, it should be short-lived. I shy away from feeling anger for more than a few hours because of the toll it has on my body and mind. I have found some helpful ways to help alleviate and rid myself of anger quickly.

The best way I have found to let the anger go is to write it out. To do this, all you have to do is to write out everything that is on your mind. I do this with my clients frequently, and they can attest to feeling better after writing it all out. When you write everything out, it subconsciously tells the brain it doesn’t need to remember since it is written somewhere. Just like having a to-do list or grocery list, we put the anger in our short-term memory. The trick to this method is that you are not allowed to read what you wrote down. The purpose is to let go of anger, not remind yourself what got you angry in the first place.

The second method I use is some form of meditation. It can be sitting, walking, or breathing. Meditation doesn’t have to be done in a quiet or peaceful setting. The purpose should be to be able to focus on what is flowing through your mind. Imagine the way you think of a flowing river. After, think of all the thoughts that you think of at any given moment as leaves on top of that river. You will notice that the leaves will constantly be moving downstream. Yes, you can chase them, but you will only tire yourself out. Anger is typically tiring, and the idea of running after that anger needlessly will serve you no purpose. So just think of those fits of anger as the leaves on the river and let them flow away.

Lastly, I try to do something that is able to get my mind off thinking as a whole. That could be watching a movie, working, playing a game, or running errands. Having my mind off of the anger allows me to focus on another area instead. At some point, you have to know when to let any emotion go that doesn’t serve you. When you do that, you have to know what to replace it with. To let that feeling of anger go, you must know what you want to feel instead, which is the next step.

6: How do you want to feel

Choosing the emotion you want to feel will be the final step to managing your anger. If you know you do not want to feel angry, you just have to begin replacing that feeling with another you want to experience. Most people want to feel happy, at peace, calm, content, etc. Whichever feeling you want to feel must remain at the forefront of your mind. Now, each feeling will require different habits and setups to feel that way. Simply sitting and waiting to feel happy is probably the worst thing you can do if happiness is not in your life already.

Sometimes you will have to go out and learn how to get the feeling you want to feel. I tell my clients what works for me in each specific emotion they want to feel. I am not going to label them all out because the list would be too involved. I can tell you that if you are unaware of how to feel the way you want to feel, then perhaps seeking a life coach to help in this area might be what you need. There is no reason to feel anything else than you want to feel consistent. If you are not happy where you are, then do not stay there.

In closing, if you find yourself in a situation where you are experiencing anger consistently, you need to go on a journey. That journey doesn’t mean packing your bags and going, but instead unpacking the baggage you have been holding onto for some time now. You are simply not upset with a person/people for no reason. That means an underlying problem needs to be taken care of first before you can remedy your anger. Like how you have to take a splinter out of your finger before the pain starts to subside; the same is true for the problem that is causing your anger. Do not be mad at the finger for hurting when the splinter is the problem.

I find that many people will blame the source of the pain rather than the problem itself. This is where becoming accountable and navigating through your emotions will have a considerable impact on your life. If you can manage your anger, you will be closer to forming habits conducive to happiness and successful life. Of course, there will still be hard times in your life, but you do not have to let those challenges define who you are. The challenges you face should refine you into the best version of yourself, just like a blacksmith who strikes his hammer on the steel countless times to strengthen the blade. In a sense, you do the same thing when you conquer any challenge in your life. Anger can be used to your benefit, but you must learn to manage it first.

Until then,

Michael Rearden

Founder of Reven LLC.